When Jesus Isn’t Enough
Sometimes, I joke about Xanax and wine.
Truth be told, I rarely drink.
And not because of my religious convictions. I rarely drink because of my weight struggles and thyroid disease/autoimmune troubles. Something I love NOT to talk about.
When I have to fly, which apparently is like once a month, I almost always have to have a Xanax. On more than one occasion a stewardess has had to wake me up from sedated sleep in my own lap. I hope to never see the poor person seated next to me on a long flight where I have passed out on their shoulder and drooled on their suit. However, better that scenario than the one where TSA puts me in the back of an ambulance after being tazed in-flight and wrestled into a straight-jacket.
I am terrified of flying.
And I am not afraid of dying. I am afraid of FLYING. Yes, take me straight to Jesus when He calls me up, but please don’t lock me in a pressurized cabin at 30,000 feet where I can’t see what’s coming. I am ready to meet my Maker. I am not ready for the torture of flight. I can’t leave when I want to, bumps are incognito, and the guy next to me has no personal space boundaries, forgot to pack deodorant, and has an ongoing love affair with onions. This to me is grounds for a sedative.
Honestly, when I learned my daughter was seriously involved with a theater major, I had the same panic symptoms associated with flight. The theater sends me over the edge. They shut that big, heavy door, and etiquette denotes you don’t leave. You don’t know when the next thespian will burst into song or fall off the stage. You have no control over what goes on in that theater. Will I be happy? Sad? Hot? Cold? And frankly, I feel the same way about the movies. And no, I never went and saw Titanic. I know what happens to that ship. I am not paying $20 for popcorn to watch people die, that I knew were going to die, before I got there and they closed those doors.
But that’s just me.
That said, I have been working on this post on my phone for a while. Alas, the time has come… Let’s talk dirty.
Sometimes my help doesn’t come from the Lord.
Excuse me while I weep hysterically.
Ok. I am back.
I love Jesus.
In my walk, I hope to overcome everything that hinders me; every voice that haunts me. And every stronghold for which I stumble. I don’t want to alienate anyone. I am as genuine as I can possibly be. I confess, I don’t think I am funny and I have an unhealthy adoration for spray cheese, chicken biscuit crackers, and Cherry Kool-aid.
And some days I need more than scripture and my Francesca Battistelli CD. Some days, those things work like a charm. Other days I go to numerous crutches and then I weep over my failures as a Believer.
There is addiction, there is sin, and there is need. And Jesus is bigger than all of these. He is not surprised by any of them. He came to conquer, and He succeeded. For this I am grateful.
But it doesn’t make me perfect. I still have to make it through the day, cross country flight, or theater production. If you comment on this blog “a healthy relationship with God negates the need for Zoloft” I will delete that comment.
Why?
Sometimes I am strong in my faith. Sometimes a good word falls on me and I am utterly in love with the One who saves. Other days, when one of the littles will only eat things if it spells his name, we go to foster placement court hearings, or I need $8,000 for manbaby tuition, I want a quick fix.
There I said it.
Furthermore, I have humans I love that are clinically and chemically depressed, buried a child, or their marriage is in shambles. If I do nothing else with my words I want to break down the walls of the perfected religiosity that deems our faith unfit when we seek help or mess up or flat out fail.
Isn’t this the very people He came to save?
Of course, I believe He heals. Certainly, I believe He is my comfort. But I am only human. I could put one of those little apps on this blog where you have to prove you’re not a robot before you could read it, but I see that as excessive. And it’s a free country, not everyone has to read it, or enjoy it. If I learned anything in the last year of blogging it is that the masses are struggling to keep their head above water, just like me.
The bible is a perfect Word free from nonsense and exaggerated or flamboyant gestures, and it is a great read. This blog is just about a mom, who homeschools and sometimes doesn’t, manages vandals, manbabies, the notorious foster care system and can’t button my jeans. I can’t find any of my spoons and it doesn’t really matter because all of my bowls are gone too. I have a Master’s degree and I cannot figure out Snapchat. Occasionally, I drink coffee with Crest Whitening Strips on my teeth. And sometimes I eat my feelings and have panic attacks that are so bad we’ve called 911.
I am far from perfect.
My less than perfect life draws me ever closer to the foot of the cross, where I often go to kneel, beg mercy, healing, and forgiveness. Sometimes from way down here, where I am physically separated from my God, I turn to manmade fixes that get me by and put my feet back on the straight and narrow. I write about these incidents. I make light of them and I enjoy the camaraderie that comes from many women who like me, love Jesus and sometimes need a prescription.
May your floors be sticky and your calling ordained. Love, Jami
When Jesus heard this, he told them, “Healthy people don’t need a doctor–sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners.” Mark 2:17
Tightly wound? Yeah… me too. Follow my tightly wound fun friend Katie M. Reid by following this link! She loves Jesus too.
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I love this blog. LOVE it. Thank you for being so transparent and honest. I was having a really really rough morning and your blog has helped me pull it together. I suffer from terrible anxiety, depression and panic attacks and always feel very alone and like I’m the only person in the world dealing with these illnesses.
You’re not alone. I was just having a panic attach about putting up a post about panic attached. Good grief. It’s just not easy love. I am praying for you. ❤️
This is awesome! EVERYONE needs to read it! ❤️
Thanks Bonnie.
Love this!
Panic attacks, check.
Homeschool, check.
Can’t button jeans, check. Check!
Love Jesus but sometimes need a prescription, Amen!!!
If we met on the street, we’d totally be friends.
It’s worth repeating that if someone was asthmatic and wheezing, or diabetic with low blood sugar, we’d yell at them to take their meds quick! Not scold them for lacking faith and to pray harder for healing.
Thank you for being brave and saying what the rest of us feel too.
God bless!
Amber
Thanks Amber, I was having poster’s remorse. glad you liked it. ❤️
I love your honesty mixed with humor. Your posts are just what this Jesus loving , stressed out, maybe I’ll just run away girl needs. Thanks!
❤️
A true breath of fresh air to start my Monday! Love it you speak so very “real” and its from the depths of your soul. Not easy ar times to do that and wonder the outcome! Have no remorse dear friend you are a blessing a child of God! Don’t forget that!!
As a mamma who is a much better person to be around because of the meds I am on. As a side note you can now see my floor most days! Lol Consider chaos All Joy! Hugs and loves
❤️
What every Christian (man or woman) should begin with is–“Me? Not perfect,.. Just in need of forgiveness!” No wonder your readers love you! Us? Goes without saying!
THANK YOU! Thank you.
❤️
Thank you, from this work from home while homeschooling, adoptive mom, grandmother, Jesus loving gal, who just made an appt for her yearly Xanax prescription.
May God bless you and your family!!! Your words are certainly a blessing to me!!
Blessings Angela…
Love this! To the moon and back!
Panic attacks.
Scripts – going to need them forever. Not by choice, just reality.
Needed to hear this today.
You have given me a slice of peace and I am grateful.
Blessings on all you do!
Peace to you my friend.
I so needed this today… I’m not alone, I’ve a fellow sister in CHRIST just like me. Who, although is as imperfect as all of we; Yet each imperfect we, who are as imperfect as imperfect can be, loves our perfect GOD, perfectly.
Thank you for your transparency, daughter of the most High GOD; you Blessed my socks off today!
I am glad you enjoyed it. ❤️
It is SO wonderfully refreshing to read a blog that is REAL. No wonder so many are turned away from Christianity with pretense that we are somehow perfect and they aren’t – so far from reality. We start every day with faith that God will get us through, but sometimes we just aren’t sure how He will do it, and waiting for Him can be hard. Our comfort comes in knowing that He will, but that doesn’t mean we don’t still stress and worry (though I know Jesus tells us not to), because we are human. It doesn’t make us immune to life, and thank you for reminding us that just because we do still worry, and stress, that it doesn’t make us lesser Christians who don’t trust Him – it just makes us, yes, human, and reminds us how much we need Him. Thanks for sharing your ride through life with us, as it is such a familiar story for us all.
Thanks Jessica.
Bu-the-way. The movie you didn’t see is Titanic not “the Titanic”. I watched it with your husband on TV and he asked me every 15 seconds, “are they going to die??” I finally said, “Justin, you realize it is The Titanic?”
Thank you, Jami, for making me feel normal – whatever that is. Everything around me is crumbling. I need help. I have been so afraid to ask because I feel like it is because I haven’t prayed hard enough, or correctly, or consistently, or fervently… I was feeling good about asking… And then heard a series of sermons this weekend that said I needed to pray harder instead… and I felt defeated. Your post was timely – prayer works, I have no doubt in God’s ability or willingness to work miracles… but He gave us community for a reason. And voices to speak up and say, “This is not ok.” Thank you. Love you. ♥️
Oh my gosh! So great to hear and pretty much in line with my verse today. I’m a recovered alcoholic who found Jesus through losing my marriage and, (temporarily) my kids. Though I’ve been sober for over 8 years and have been on a fast track, speed dating Jesus, I sometimes beat myself up for not “having it all together” yet. I mean, COME ON! I work for a church. You’d think I’d this all figured out! I love you’re reminder that we are human. Heck! Yesterday I heard about a pill that counteracts the effect of sugar and junk food in my system. After not eating sweets for an entire month (because that is now my go-to comfort) my first thought was “Yay! Now I can go back to eating a sleeve of Oreos and be okay.” I am fallible. I am sometimes “not nice”. But my desire is to be more and more like Christ. To know Him to the very core of my being. To not just “speed date” Him but to give myself to Him fully. With that, I was so grateful to come across a verse today (one I’ve read many times) that gave me peace… “Even if we feel guilty, God is greater than our feelings and He knows everything.” 1 John 3:20 His voice of assurance is stronger than my voice of guilt and commendation. Thank you for sharing yourself and making me think and for making me chuckle.
❤️
Jami-
I am not a reader of blogs….except yours. You make me laugh so hard, and cry too. And I have NEVER commented on a blog before, but I have to comment on this post. You are awesome…no-one shares the things you are willing to share. And the buttoned up, perfect LOOKING life is a FALLACY. You are sharing that, and I am certain it is helping people. So, I myself have a crazy life with four kids ages 14-25 (they have all made it through 13, thank the Lord), a nutty husband, aging parents and a lot of stuff going around and around in my head and I am a strong believer in Jesus AND I also get help on the earth. That means I have seen all sorts of physicians, psychiatrists, psychologists, naturopaths, nutritionists and other gurus (whom my husband calls witch doctors) for many of the struggles by my family members and myself. Jesus saves; He doesn’t always fix. And have you ever thought that maybe He led you to Xanax…..all good things come from Him ;). When I get down on myself for using “crutches” like anti-anxiety meds or anti-depressant meds, I think about that story about the guy on the roof in the flood who kept saying he believed God would save him as the water was rising, so he was “waiting for God.” Therefore, he didn’t get into the neighbor’s row boat, or the police helicopter, because he was so sure God would save him. When he got to heaven and was so angry with God. God said, “I sent a row boat and a helicopter for you.” I am sure you get my point, but just to clarify….you and I pray, we ask others to pray for us, we seek solace in the Lord, AND we also look for other earthly solutions to our problems. There is nothing sacrilegious about that. Blessings to you. xo, Leslie
And to you my friend. ❤️
I love flying and my children would have lost their religion had I tried to home school them, but it is so wonderful to hear you tell it like it is. I’ve spent most of the past three days in bed sleeping, except for when I was on the couch sleeping, trying to recover from all Life is throwing at me right now. Yes, a “panic pill” or two was involved. And much grace from Jesus who knows me and what a hot mess I am and loves me still. Thanks for the encouragement. You nailed it!
Much love friend.
Thank you for your honesty. And your humor – I love the laughs I get reading your blogs – but mostly your honesty. This kind of honesty is what non-Christians need to see in us. I need this reminder also, that I’m not alone in my many imperfections. God bless you Jami, and may He richly bless your family also.
Thank you Jan. Blessings on you as well.
Thanks for keeping it real. Life is messy, God is good and meds are sometimes necessary!
a PERFECT illustration of Mark 2:17
You have no idea how this uplifts me. Sometimes I worry that I feel too uplifted by something that isn’t Jesus, so it’s good to know I’m not the only one. I’m afraid to fly. My mom is taking our family to Disneyland and I’m debating on whether or not to ask my church for prayers of safe travel. I’m already being blessed with Disneyland, why should I ask for more? I have panic attacks A LOT. I have multiple prescriptions to cope, but they don’t always help. Sometimes the relentless questions from my 4 year old lead me to take a Xanax-like medication. I’m SUCH a failure ALL the time, but I know Jesus’ promise and my hope is in Him. Also, I never have spoons or bowls. They have been sucked into the vortex where all the mates to my socks have gone. Seriously though, your post made me want to cry because I feel the way you do, but so many blogs just tell me how to be better and do better and it doesn’t always help me. Thank you so much!
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“I have a master’s degree and I cannot figure out Snapchat…”~I have a JD, I cannot figure it out either!! I LOVE this comment buried in and among all the others I love in this post! You are hysterical and I absolutely look forward to reading your posts in the middle, or beginning, or late evening of my day!! SERIOUSLY, though….didn’t they make it even harder to understand how to use this app their “new” updates….LOL!! My teenage/young adult daughters make fun of me ALL the time. Sometimes, it actually hurts my feelings because I HAVE A LAW DEGREE and I can’t figure it out. Of course, I gave up that career to raise you ungrateful girls!!! HAHA!! Have a great day, Jami!!! <3
You too Shelly!
Thank you so much for this. I am seriously contemplating flying for the first time in 15 years…and I’ve been wondering how much medication it would take me to get me on that plane! I have panic attacks, too. Bless you.
Thank you for this.
❤️
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