Can I Just Stay Here a Little While?
It was an ugly cry; nostrils flaring; with an occasional snort/hiccup/whimper/wail.
On my white blouse, there were traces of snot and black tears.
I knew full well, this meant mascara was streaming down my cheeks and that I looked – dreadful.
This made sense because this how I felt, dreadful. And vain as I am, I didn’t care that I looked a wreck. Pieces of my heart were going to being left in this “men’s” dorm. My sons would now live here, in halls that smelled like feet and corn nuts. Here on the second floor of a dormitory I had blazed past 1,001 times during my studies at Abilene Christian University, I was about to leave not one son, but two.
The “man-babies,” John and Luke tried to pity me, bless them. But truth be told, their demeanors could not hide the thrill. A new episode, a world they have not known, outside the confines of our rules and our ideals. To the man-babies the halls did not reek of burnt pop-tarts and jock itch spray, to them it smelled of freedom. The future was labeled clearly over the doors of Mabee Hall, rooms 208 and 255.
Luke pat/hugged me and kissed our foster daughter that sat casually on my hip. She was oblivious, but I couldn’t help notice that the hug was accompanied by a gentle escort out the door. “I’ll call you mom, and thanks.”
The door shut and a sob escaped me.
And my blurry eyes were relieved to see him as he ambled toward me. At nearly 6’4” my baby boy was as unacquainted as acquainted. John lifted his cleft chin in my direction with a casual “hey, I am around the other side.” The corners of his mouth quivered as he tried to be cool and not appear too giddy. In a swift movement he lifted his foster sister from my arms and in lanky, cowboy booted strides escorted us to his new room….. Continue Reading…
“We despise the low places and we do our best cover the agony with sensory indulgences… an ice cream cone, wine, or new stilettos.” So true and such a great reminder. I am quick to want to”fix” things and sometimes the best we can do is to leave people “here.” By doing so, we are showing them that we trust in God’s ability to be the ultimate healer and comforter. On a more personal note, I appreciated your description of your sons’ gooddbyes. My oldest just started junior college. Even though he isn’t living there, I have realized this “thing” in the air between us recently. He is yearning for independence and I’m walking that line of letting go and learning how to “mother” him in this new season. I didn’t get shoved out of a room but I was told not to go with him in the bookstore or walk with him as he tried to find his way around the campus. It hurt. I needed to process it. Nothing can really prepare you for the reality of that moment in parenting.
No… Nothing can. Blessings to you. ❤️
Thank you so very much. Its baby number 3 and we did the drop off and ugly cry and wander into her room last year. But nothing rips at your momma heart like praying together one more time before you fly off 1500 miles and leave that beautiful baby girl in that big city yet again like I did yesterday. Thank you for spilling out to all of us.
Prayers for you…
I appreciate this so much. I know what the right answer is. I know what I’m supposed to do, how I’m supposed to be but right now…I just want Him to hold me.
❤️
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