The Fat Girl’s Guide to Knowing Jesus
The Fat Girl’s Guide to Knowing Jesus
I remember a time, several years ago, I had slept all day… about 19 hours.
We had this mysterious virus at our house. As far as viruses go, it’s a malady of harsh symptoms. Body aches, chills, fever, headache, nausea, and unconsciousness. Yeah, that was the good part, well until my husband got home to monitor, our two and four-year-old sons, the vandals. In my comatose state, I could hear the little boys laughing, and I could smell peanut butter, but I couldn’t do anything about it.
I knew it wasn’t a hallucination because my briefcase still had traces and there is a note on the fridge that says BUY PEANUT BUTTER. I asked my husband about it, and he just held up his hand and said, “I don’t want to talk about it.”
But as I stretched and twisted the kinks out of my overrested body I spied my “new” list for this week. This list was started on Monday. They all start on Monday for me.
- Get up at 4 am and spend quiet time with Jesus.
- Walk 10,000 steps
- Eat clean
- Teach Sam to read
And I made it two days.
- I did talk to Jesus, I asked him to welcome me home. But I don’t know what time it was.
- My step counter shows an image of a tombstone and a daisy. It suspects I died.
- Saltines and Gatorade… not so clean.
- Who is Sam?
I’ll have to make a new list.
I am a failure.
I botched the list. You know where I am coming from, right?
Whatever the list, us good Christian girls have been taught that all things get fixed when we perfect our walk with Jesus.
- Get closer to Jesus.
[bctt tweet=”Us good Christian girls have been taught all things get fixed when we perfect our walk with Jesus” quote=”Us good Christian girls have been taught all things get fixed when we perfect our walk with Jesus”]
And I have been a size 6, and I have been a size 16, and I recall a friend said to me, “You really believe that God loves you more or less because of your jeans?”
Yes, that is correct. What don’t you understand about this?
Only my story is fancier than that. Because every diet or exercise regime I have started began with:
- Get up early for quiet time alone with the Lord.
Every time I slept past my alarm, even if I had been up all night with the foster-love, I ate Frosted Flakes and Pop-Tarts for breakfast. I skipped pilates and gave up all hope of bodily perfection, repented (obnoxiously) and munched on Xanax and promised to start over… Monday.
Come Monday everything will be better.
Come Monday, it is all Jesus all the time. I will be the best Jami I can be – next week.
I would use the rest of that redemptive week to get all the crap out of my system, i.e. add crap to my system that my new found relationship I will pursue with Jesus next week, won’t permit.
Next week, me and Jesus will be unstoppable.
This week, I will eat Cheetos and watch re-runs of Friends, during the commercials I will write down my new goals in my brand new “All things work together for good…” journal with a purple pen. Purple for royalty, because I will be a princess, daughter of the King, come Monday.
Last week I got one of those Facebook notices, which should really come with a warning: Five years ago today you looked this hot or five years ago today your out-of-control teen was this cute. Please click now if you are prepared to have your heart squeezed like a lemon.
Click.
Mine was a picture of me after my second half marathon. I am just not a tiny person. Nearly five-nine, busty, big hair, big teeth, big feet, they are Nordic features indicative of childrearing and village pillaging. Yet the picture slayed me because I remember that morning very well.
I was utterly disgusted with myself.
I cried all the way to the race to meet my running partner. And, I prayed out loud that come Monday I would be better. Monday I would get up at 4:30, I would only eat raw vegan. I would add back the four spin classes I had neglected this training season. And I would fast on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
A week and a half later I tore my calf muscle and my plantar fasciitis. A year later I was 40 pounds heavier and hobbled. And until 8 months ago I told people, “God was teaching me something.” And I set my alarm for 4 am. I Fail repeatedly and count myself fatter, sadder, and further from God.
If only I were a size six God’s favor would rest upon me. Things would be better for my family. If only I was physically perfect and had my act together, things would flow, and God would be pleased with me.
Lies.
And the lies of the enemy plague women of every shape, size, height, and weight. In the year plus, I have been blogging the more and more obvious it has become. The resounding gong is women continue to say how hard they are “trying…” and still things aren’t better.
Dear Sister, things are fabulous.
Yes, your marriage, body, kids, household, job or whatever might be in shambles, but there is no better time or pant size than right now to believe in your birthright. Daughter.
Christ died for me while I was still a sinner.
And the blood worked.
He in all His goodness is not more or less pleased with me when I am rocking a foster baby or having a second or uh… third margarita. How good is this God? He knew I couldn’t so He did. And then He invited me to a banquet to indulge in His goodness. No go-betweens, no wise savants. He wants to be with me. Just as I am.
Granted, all things are permissible, but when I am with Him, I fully recognize what isn’t beneficial.
Consider this: is there any other relationship in your life you give up on Wednesdays at noon with the promise to try at that relationship again on Monday? Is there a single person in your life that you would feed garbage to, call names, and abuse in the hopes of treating that person any better next week?
So as I clicked on the link to open my new headshots for my book publisher, I did so with one eye closed, terrified at what I might see. Horrified that God was about to pull the rug out and go “JUST KIDDING YOU’RE TOO FAT TO REPRESENT ME!”
But as the pictures loaded I had a life-altering moment: If Christ dwells in me, how am I able to reasonably distinguish “starting over?”
God chose the perfect lamb. Grace was the consequence. Eternity is the prize. He will move how He moves and save how He saves. We may not understand why He does things, how He makes all things new but this much I know for sure… You don’t have to wait until Monday to ask.
Moment by moment, from one pant size to the next – larger or smaller – the blood worked. The dance is ongoing. He is continually kind and merciful and madly in love… with you.
The essence of Him is enough. Believing Him is outstanding. Only good comes from Him in spite of me.
He never leaves or forsakes me.
And His love never waits until Monday.
May your floors be sticky and your jeans zip up with ease. Love, Jami
Isaiah 57:10 (NASB) “You were tired out by the length of your road, Yet you did not say, It is hopeless. Instead, you found renewed strength, therefore you did not faint.”
You might also like: Renewing My Mind and Dear Mean Girl
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One of the reasons I read your blog is that you are NOT perfect! (I mean, girl, you’re beautiful, but no, not perfect.) I keep waiting until I’m a size 8 (who am I kidding? I’d be happy to be size 12!) for God to really accept me and use me and love me. Thanks for this!
He’s crazy about you! And so am I!!! ❤️
Hi Jami, I get your posts by email and always enjoy them….but this one is so awesome, I just had to come by. Love your writing style…from your posts to your profile blurb. So many funny and completely relatable pieces in this post, I just don’t know what to tweet first. If you have a book out there…I need it.
hello friend! my book doesn’t release until 10/17! Thank you for your encouragement!
I so needed this today Jami. When I saw the pictures you were writing about I nearly cried. I want to be that size. But I’m sincerely grateful HE loves the very mess I am right now and that THE BLOOD worked for us all.
Amen! Feelings are the same my friend!0
So great! Thanks so much for continuing to honestly share yourself with us. There’s always next Monday… 🙂
This is really spot-on – I totally relate. I am an injured runner also and packed on about 15 lbs. to my already husky frame since January after finding out about a herniated disc and a host of other spinal issues. And “starting Monday” and being disgusted with myself is my specialty. Takeaway from this? “And His love never waits until Monday.” AMEN. Thank you sister for a good word in a timely season.
Love this love you…I wonder if tribal woman in South America have these issues? Lol I wrestle with being lovable & squishy with birth-battle scars or trim & taco starved!
Hope you are feeling better, you ARE beautiful & Jesus made you just perfectly!
Ah…. YESSSSSS!!
I love you more and more and more, every time I read more… And more. Keep going girl… God is using you in miraculous ways.
Sharing everywhere- of course!
Beautiful!!
I get it. I get you. I am Queen of Startoverlandia, looking to abdicate and take refuge in North Goodenoughland. Your thoughts are spot on, and have renewed my faith that the gifts God gave me are already perfect. Thank you! 🙂
Amen love!
Spot on! Thanks for the reminder that God doesn’t wait till Monday. ❤️❤️❤️
I REALLY needed this today. Thank you, as always. And you are beautiful- big hair and all. 🙂
Oh, so spot on! Amazing.!
So needed to hear this message Jamie…thank you for faithfully reminding us of God’s love for us. So tired of striving everyday, and yet always feeling like I have fallen short once again…
❤️
So much love for this Jami, thank you!
Word on the Monday/list making/too fat to be useful thing….
I too suffered injuries two years in a row and quickly added 60 lbs to my 5’3 frame…. ugh.
But by the power of the blood I accept me as an adored daughter of the King as I am now, and have also hired a trainer to motivate myself into healthy living. Not obsessed with the numbers, but getting my temple functioning properly so it is no longer distraction for me.
Praises! ❤️
This is beautiful, Jami, and obviously your words are a God-send as they resonate with so many. I, too, have struggled with not being good enough and not having my act together, even after having experienced God’s freeing liberation from the bondage of food fixation. But it was in the midst of that despair that I discovered–His grace is sufficient for me, and His power is made perfect in my weaknesses. So Monday will come, but I will choose to run to Him between now and then anyway, and cling to His grace in the in-between and in the days to come. Much love to you, sister.
Oh but look, you slid it in there…you have publisher photos. You have a publisher who says you matter. What if you didn’t have that? What about us girls who really are still fat, who don’t have fans followers, or publishers? Guess what- we still matter too.
You do. And I would no matter what. And I am still fat too.
Jami,
I don’t know where you have been all my life, but I’m glad I found you. I am reading your beautiful post laughing, crying and saying she must be my sister. I too am from the Nordic plunder. Big, Feet, Big Body and 5’11 and always trying to find a cute man’s shoe to stick my size 13 man’s foot into. I’m striving to be the sparkle in a dark world where the world tells us what we should or should not be. Do I want to be healthy? No, I love abusing my body and having people talk about me as if I wasn’t there because they think overweight people can’t hear. It’s a beautiful thing, NOT! But, I know I am EXACTLY who Christ made me to be and every day I count my victories because I have spent way too much time counting my losses. I choose to live life out loud in a BIG way and I am done apologizing. Thanks for being my “Jesus Glitter”. I am a fan! We are His prize No Matter Our Size!
Amen love… and LOVE THE NAME!!!
I love your approach to life! Today’s post seemed as though it was written for me. Constantly I am making mental lists of things I should be doing……it never gets past that. Now I’m 60 years old and shocked that I got here so quickly. Through every up and down God has forgiven me; if only I could go a little easier on myself. Thank you so much for keeping it real!
Bless you friend
[…] This article originally appeared at Sacred Ground, Sticky Floors. […]
I was “Amen-ing” you in my mind until I got to the pictures. My immediate thought, “Wow! I was so much skinnier then!” Sigh! I wish we could inject this truth straight in our veins, bypassing our brains and going straight to the heart. Thank you for the trip down memory lane… We earned that shirt and the 13.1 sticker for the van! Maybe Monday I’ll start training for another!
Love you!
The turning point for me came when I began thanking God for myself exactly the way I was, even at my very worst — ESPECIALLY at my very worst. Because you are right — He loves us even then — ESPECIALLY then. Love your blog!
Thanks Shelley! #truth
SO many things I loved about this post. This year I made the choice to have a preventive mastectomy and the emotional journey has been far harder than the physical. I know I am #strongenough but some days it takes a lot of prayer to get there…I have to say I tried the get up early thing and with five kids 10 and under it never worked for me. Instead I spend my time with God in bed before I go to sleep, reading a devotion and saying a decade of the rosary…it works for me and I’m guilt free when I hit snooze in the am. Sending you prayers of strength and happiness.
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I am so happy for/with you that you have found your freedom and strength in Jesus! “He will love you if…” is so insidious! I am so grateful for my wonderful mother and the serenity she possessed, that she taught — that when Jesus said “It is finished” he meant EVERYTHING! God bless you as you share the peace!
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You are sized just exactly right to be the bearer of His grace. I am grateful the Lord creates words in you as the Word indwells you to spill out onto the rest of us who love you in as much as we can from our distances.
Thank you love.
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