Dear Weight Watchers,

Hey, guys!

Listen, Y’all are awesome. Talk about having your cake and eating it too. You can have cake! This is nice. It’s a lovely touch. I recently signed up, again, and I have high hopes. I left the last time because I was afraid of that orange monster. I have actual monsters that taunt me with their last chicken nugget and French fries so that just scared me for other reasons. And also, I tend to be a quitter.

And I am ashamed that I need to whine about this, the size of my butt truly is a first world issue that should be easily resolved with some self-control. Americanized Jesus and I chatter about it often. I am readily ashamed.

[Tweet “the size of my butt truly is a first world issue that should be easily resolved with some #selfcontrol”]

Here’s the thing. I currently have 7 kids, ranging in age from 21 years to 15 months. I was scrolling through your activities and the points for activities, and I think you are really missing the mark on points expenditures. I am not a scientist, and I know you have used scientists in lab coats in your commercials in the past, but I think you’d do well to add these to the points calculator. It would speak volumes to mom consumers that need to lose a few pounds.

I’ll start off by stating the obvious: Bedtime. I am about 99% sure the energies required to get pajamas on the toddlers, which is like putting socks on a rooster, are the equivalent of a bag of Milanos. So, free Milanos if you just bathed, dressed, brushed teeth & hair, read no less than three books, prayed, got one more drink of water, one more kiss, and had to paddle some bottoms and knock some heads together.

Now, according to my calculations, this is where you are really dropping the ball. The following errands with young children should be among your points expenditures:

[Tweet “Dear @weightwatchers your points calculator is #broken”]

Dentist, pediatrician, haircuts, pharmacy, bank, taking lunch and forgotten items to a kid at their school, assemblies and other school programs, library toddler time, the post office, and I can’t believe you missed this one…

The grocery store. The caloric expenditure of grocery shopping has nothing on a Zumbathon. And can we talk about Walmart? With toddlers? On a Saturday? Why are you not giving us points for this? If it is merely an oversight I can understand, but this seems like you are not paying attention to the needs of your customers.

The Vet? Have you ever taken a sick chicken to the vet? With four crying children? Children literally screaming, “My chicken! Please save my chicken? Jesus! Spare our chicken, take me instead!” This should have an assigned points value. Otherwise, you just aren’t hearing the needs of your subscribers.

And granted, you give out points for working out at the gym, but what about just getting to the gym. By the time, I get the babies in the car, out of the car, and into the gym nursery? I need something to get me onto the elliptical. I feel like you are miscalculating this in aggressive form, frankly, it seems a little malicious.

And what about church? Have you even considered this? From the time I get my pantyhose on, which is a major feat in and of itself, seven people dressed and out the door, through a sermon and Sunday school, and back out of my pantyhose – this is basically the equivalent of an Iron Man competition. And I do not see this in the activities section? And I have looked. I missed an entire sermon scrolling to find this so that I could have a margarita with my Sunday lunch. This is a double whammy; it cost me physically and spiritually. You don’t want to be responsible for this bad ju-ju, just fork over the free margarita, I have earned it.

And, I am more than willing to be the guinea pig for a body bug to figure out the expenditures for shoe shopping with a 13-year-old girl. This is something we need credit for. One time while shoe shopping with my tween, mall security was called. I was put in mall jail. Mall. Jail. Really? I think this warrants a point or two, don’t you?

And speaking of teen girls, a bad break up? Points. We have earned them.

I won’t get into dance recitals, play rehearsals, or sporting events. Common sense denotes you guys are already working on this…

Oil change, tire rotation, and all other auto related events where mom is trapped in Pep Boys waiting room? Work with me… and we all win.

You recommend cooking low point dinners? Ok, what do I get in return? I have no less than three people screaming at me. I have a kid on each hip, and I am fighting with a 17-year-old man-child about how you say spaghetti squash tastes just like real spaghetti? This doesn’t warrant a ZERO point glass of wine?

[Tweet “#wine should have a #zeropoint value @weightwatchers”]

And I think crying uncontrollably in my car should count for something… A point for every ten minutes maybe? Or maybe we could earn some donuts? Something? Throw us a pastry or snickers here. At the core of the points system, is the human psyche to win or lose points. If I am this hysterical, I need something in return.

AND! What about trying to keep a toddler awake on a drive home? One time, driving home from the post office, I pulled at hamstring attempting to keep the babies awake! This should count for something. Potty training? Moms of multiples? Two story home-owners? You have housework but, that has nothing on laundry for eight people in a two-story home, with three toddlers, while crying? (Me, not them.) It’s just not enough to count that as “daily routine.”

Also, I think you should include another expenditure section for teachers, nurses, and missionaries. I can’t speak to their calculations, but I feel certain there’s a caloric deficit being heartily ignored.

If you could go ahead and approve the above list right away and get back to me, I should be a size four by Christmas.

[Tweet “If you’d cooperate I could be a size 4 by next #Christmas @weightwatchers”]

Y’all are doing a great job. I am sure these were just slight oversights by your scientists. Let me know if you need any moms to answer any questions for you! God bless you in your good works!

*results not typical please see your physician for prescription Xanax before attempting any changes to your diet or exercise regime and have any number of children. Also, consider throwing away your scale and accepting failure as an excellent option.

May your floors be sticky and your calling ordained. Love, Jami

Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and HE will establish your plans. Proverbs 16:34

You might also love “A Fat Girls Guide to Knowing Jesus!”

Reading this.. again.

 

And check out this interview by my friend Katie M. Reid with author of the book  FULL by Asheritah Ciuciu.

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