If Moms Ruled the World: Mom Law

If moms ruled the world, Mom Law would make life run much smoother.  Maybe not every day, especially not Mondays, but for just a moment, let’s look at how different things might be.  I got a text from my oldest daughter this week, it was a news article accompanied by a vomiting emoji. The minute I saw it, I pictured myself retching too.  

The article was about comedian John Crist, an internet viral sensation who pokes fun at Christians and has built a huge following with his “preach-it” observations about Americanized religiosities.  He is laugh out loud funny and apparently, he is also, according to him, a sex addict and habitual harasser.  

And there is no “but” in a good apology. 

If moms ruled the world, I would make a motion, this would be in our ten commandments.  Not number one. Number one would be love. Love your God with all your heart. Followed by, love without contingency, no but.  Moms are notorious for professing contingent love, “I love you but… stop it.” We don’t mean it, so I propose we stop saying it.  “I love you. Now then, stop chewing on your shirt. We can’t afford for you to eat another t-shirt. Also, that shirt cannot be passed down to your little brother if you have eaten the collar.” 

Granted, I say stuff I don’t mean, like, “I’ll kick your lung out.”  However, to this day, even my Marine baby son will snap to if I say it. 

Mom Law and Mom threats are the most effective means on the planet.

We should be at the Pentagon and invited to all UN and Senate hearings.  Waterboarding is not necessary, you need the truth and resolution? Send in a mom with some idle threats and warm chocolate chip cookies, VIOLA!  World Peace. 

Back to the text, so Mr. Crist had a bad week, one that was instigated by his own folly.  I read the text and responded with an appropriate-to-me emoji, and my daughter texted back, “there are no heroes in the world.” 

Sweet Magpie, if moms ruled the world, there would be.  First, there would be just One hero, He will never let you down.  Second of all, while the press and the elite destroy or toss aside this young man, moms would begin the process of stating the obvious, followed by some off the cuff wisdom, that might entirely change the way the world treats the rest of the world. Also, I don’t think John Crist set out to be a hero… choose wisely.  

And this will show my age, I don’t think I am old enough to be John Crist’s mom, but maybe I am.

Primarily, after reading the article, all I could think about was John Crist’s mom.  I don’t know her, but I have heard him speak of her with much adoration. I imagine the cancellation of her son’s tour and cable network special is stressful. And I imagine she is disappointed, but supportive, sad, yet hopeful, and that he can’t have any cookies.  Perhaps this should be added to the by-laws, before you speak, remember that person who offended or disappointed you, has a mother.  

And yes, I know, Hilter had a mother too.  Granted, she may have not been the best, but nonetheless, she existed. 

Mom Law would be a common-sense type of rule, 80% of the time.  The 20% that was braless, premenstrual, postpartum, or entirely done with soccer season, would still be more effective than a perfectly divided Congress working at full capacity.  We would have meetings where we would analyze and process the ways of the world, and each other and call attention to the issue, without apology, and then move forward with the appropriate course of action.  We do this in our sleep anyway, we might as well use these powers to fix the world.  

Some of the decisions might meet with some arguments, but we are used to that too.

First on my agenda, assuming I don’t have to take a kid to the doctor, grocery shop, or volunteer at the school bake sale, is to remove all media from the world that sends a mixed message, one that blurs the line between right and wrong, and by all accounts makes it harder for our children to navigate the world.   Don’t give me all that freedom of speech jargon, I said no.  

And while this might meet with some backlash, especially from my own children, possibly my husband, we have to get rid of shows like The Office.  I am sorry Pam.  And yes, I know, this has already run its course and is now in syndication.  But the evening after I learned about Crist’s fall from adoration, I watched an episode while folding laundry.  Two things at once, this is another reason we should be in charge.  

As I listened to very inappropriate office banter I thought, “Here is the problem.” 

I have been sexually harassed. It isn’t funny. Through gritted teeth I endured humiliating and debasing abuse, on more than one occasion.  Politeness and fear ruled the scenes. I needed my job. And, I was robbed of my grit through humiliation tactics. Again, it is not funny. Yet we have allowed it to become a joke.  Moments later the #metoo movement roared its power and now, we have generations who thought it was 1. Funny 2. Not really hurting anybody, and 3. Confusing the lines of humor and harassment.  

Mom Law really does know best. 

And while we may have all met with a Michael Scott or two, which is what makes the humor effectively applicable, sexual harassment is not a joke.  I feel responsible, and yes, that means mom guilt, that my adult babies teethed on this type of humor. And I am forced to ask myself, which did I convey to my children?  Is it just a joke or is this a legitimate form of abuse?  

I propose the latter.  And as a mom, what I wanted and still want for my children is for them to be healthy, happy, and productive.  Which brings me back to John Crist’s mom. I feel certain the preacher’s wife and homeschool mom of many wants the same things.  And this is where we would be most effective in diplomacy. Crist is a grown man, he is culpable for his mistakes and should be held accountable.  On the other hand, the world will be quick to judge his mother, her parenting, and how glad we are we aren’t her.  I believe, given the chance, we would rally around her and hope her son comes out on the other side, much better than before.  Furthermore, I think we would join her in praying for the victims and others like them, who need to be restored as well.  

And for their mothers too.

If I could, I would take Mrs. Crist some Starbucks.  I would offer to bring her java with a pumpkin scone, but apparently, unlike a good mom, once again, Starbucks has prematurely run out of pumpkin scones in an effort to foster civil unrest.  Get it together Starbucks, this happens every year. We want you to make 50 times the predicted number of pumpkin scones next fall. We have had it up to here with the mind games.  

Also, love this year’s seasonal cup.  Very festive.  

I digress. Mom Law would allow for open and obvious conversations with each other and the future, our children, (you are welcome,) to eradicate the nonsense that leads our babies to the wolves and advances their folly.  A majority of our efforts are wasted as we try and battle the world for our children. Instead, let us rule the world and we would not allow the President to have a Twitter and cheerleaders would be picked strictly on genuine kindness and compassion, not popularity of herkie height.  

Just like there is no but in a good apology or perfected I love you, there would be no buts in the moral compass of no means no and stuff you should never say. There is no but in a groping or unwanted advances.  And if moms ruled the world, our girls would be afforded the same opportunities, no but. You can lead, speak, teach, or boss just as effectively, if not more, than the man who interviewed before, or after you.

Also, we don’t throw people away.  And while this might get a bit more cloudy, because there are people you can’t have in your lives, especially if they are abusive, hateful, manipulative, untrustworthy, or just not nice.  But on the other side of that, it seems to me that our culture is quick to throw people to the curb, never giving them a chance at restoration, because they made a mistake or mistakes and the media got a hold of them.  

Sorries written by publicists appear well crafted and politically correct.  

A real sorry conveys a message only a mother can sniff out. It isn’t laced with teenage rebellion, “Soooory!”  (Insert eye roll.) Mom law sees right through that nonsense. Sorry means, “I am truly remorseful for that action.  I will never do it again.” Which brings me to John Crist’s mom again, her adult celebrity child made a mistake, and we, having eaten plenty of crow in our motherhood journeys know we must not criticize her parenting because she probably did just as much right as wrong.  That is the sum of motherhood.   

When not battling the world, we battle each other.

We are quick to call out the mom when the kid sends unwanted sexual advances via text when she cut those apron strings a while back.  If moms ruled the world this would be one thing we could keep a running record of, Mom Karma. Never say, “my child would never.” It is a statement that justly dishes out a good portion of “you asked for it,” to the pompous and judgemental.  

If Mom Law was the rule, the National seal would read “In God, We Trust and Life is not Fair, Get over it.”  There would be no crust on bread, and we would add a special sock and spoon investigative branch to the FBI. Because seriously, where do all the socks and spoons go?  

Once the FBI were in charge of these mysteries Moms would be free to deal with real issues, sex traffickers would be placed in pillories in front of the mall and math would not change. It’s math y’all.  You can’t make it new and expect us to function as a unified society. There would be no standardized testing, bullying, or balloons.

Yes, you read that right. Balloons are the nemesis of motherhood. 

This spherical, floating, deceptive “treat,” is from the enemy. Think about it, no balloon ever has a happy ending.  Mothers are quick to buy and distribute balloons in an effort to bring joy and happiness to their children, only to then have to pick up the pieces of a child’s broken heart when the balloon either pops or is ripped from a toddler’s sticky fingers by a gust of wind.  How is this fun? 

It is not.  

Ask any adult child, heck, ask John Crist, to tell a happy balloon story. There is not one. Mom law means that the balloon industry is no more.  Someone, quick, second that.  

It is minor observations that moms see and understand. These perfected insights would eliminate all the nonsense in the world and allow us to teach our children what is right and what is wrong and not question either.  

I would say, someone should let moms be in charge, but instead I am proposing a coo of sorts.  We should just take over. No committee meetings or votes, just hand over the gavel. Court is in session.  We will call it like we see it. And we will threaten, sometimes nonsensically, and without merit. But we will also completely obliterate common cultural follies, mean girls, and low rise skinny jeans. Ear grommets, out.  A year off from school while you “find yourself” while sexting and watching the Voice, on my couch while eating my groceries, out. “Say No to Drugs” dress-up days, out. And of course, once in office, there will be no more Day Light Savings Time.  This is not from Jesus.  

And time change has been the downfall of many good moms.  Come to think of it, Time Change was most likely created to breed confusion and limit our ability to govern.  See, we are already on to you.  

All this to say, there are some heroes left.  There are moms. Moms who loved well, and their child or children still yielded to the world and screwed up royally.  There are moms who missed every mark and their baby still overcame and is rocking life, maybe as a better mother than they had.  And there are moms who have taken on other peoples’ children – and been the governing voice of love and reason that is carrying over from family to family, breaking generational curses and mending broken spirits.  

And there are moms who have had to brunt the blame when they are basically blameless.  Let it be said, right at this moment, Momma, you are seen, loved, and adored. No, maybe not by the world’s standards, but by a perfect Parent… a Father in heaven who calls you daughter. 

Obviously, I sat down to write this with too many thoughts in my head, call it mom brain. 

But, I wanted to remind myself and other mothers what it is like to have a child fail, and I wanted to remind myself and you how much harder it would be to watch a child fail so publically.  Then I wanted to call out bad behavior as bad… do we really have to define it as clinical every time? Sex addiction seems like a justification, one I don’t think we should entertain. Then, I remembered the Office… which is a show I have enjoyed in the past and am now convicted of, for all the ways I was mistreated and every woman who walks into work this morning, knowing, “this is how my day will be.”   

And the logical solution for this composition seems to be that Mom Law should be the way of the world. Although obviously, moms would go off the rails in making a point, we see things from a more clear lense.  There are 8 sides to every story, we tend to head down rabbit holes in dissecting them, but we also have the best answers. We are able to identify with each other, across social and cultural lines. And we all want the same thing, a better, safer, happier world for the children who call us, “Mom.” 

All in favor…

May your floors be sticky and your calling ordained.  Love, J

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