Stop the Ride I want to Get Off… Wait, Nevermind

Stop the Ride I want to Get Off… Wait, Nevermind

When our second oldest son, Luke was five, he had a best friend, Rebecca. The fair-haired duo sported wide eyes, toothless grins and belly laughs that left them breathless and delirious.

The moment the two younglings were in each other’s midst they would laugh until we thought they’d need medical attention, to onlookers, there was nothing funny, besides the hilarity of the two kindergarten eccentrics.

On one occasion Luke came to me and whispered, “Mom, Rebecca is dragging me up the stairs by my hair.”  I inquired, “would you like me to ask her to stop?”  A mischevious grin spread across his dimpled face, and he said, “Not just yet, I kind of like it.”

Ah yes, what’s a little hair loss among good friends, a bump or two up and down three flights of stairs?  Perhaps he was smitten with her golden locks or porcelain skin, or maybe the joy of her companionship was worth the pain.

About the same time in my life there was a popular Christian song by Ginny Owens, “If You Want Me To.”  I remember that our oldest daughter Maggie adored the song, I even took her to see Ginny in concert… I went to the bathroom when the song began to play.

“So When the whole world turns against me
And I’m all by myself
And I can’t hear You answer my cries for help
I’ll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to…”

Hard.  Pass.

At that point in my Christian walk, I wasn’t willing to sign up for pain.

Jesus and me, we had an understanding.  He wouldn’t ask me to walk through the fire, and I would not ask Him for anything else, ever.  Also, I would be perfect… which, I will interject, wasn’t going well.

And now, 14 years later, a thousand miles of valley marching and a million fires in my wake, another flame has sparked.  The fire is hot, the valley is deep.  I need, want and beg for answers… stop the ride, I want to get off.  Too much, too long, too hard, and too stinky, I have had enough.  And I remember, all the fires of the past and how they were eventually put out… how they somehow make sense now.  I remember the valleys and the hard climb out.  They hurt.  This hurts… this season, this is a hard and angry season.

[clickToTweet tweet=”And I will go through the valley if you want me to… @GinnyOwens #Jesus #myfriend” quote=”And I will go through the valley if you want me to…”]

Answers are slow… but they are trickling in, just in time.

The worst case scenarios aren’t the end of the line.

And the very worst case scenario is death… even that has been conquered.

“So when the whole world turns against me
And I’m all by myself
And I can’t hear You answer my cries for help
I’ll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley…”

If You want me to…

My answer is different than it was then.

Yes, I will.

Yes, if this is what You have allowed for this season, my answer is yes.  And while I can’t say I like being dragged up and down the stairs by my hair, I love Jesus.  I love His company.  And yes, I love Him even when He doesn’t answer.  I like Him, I know Him.

This valley will have another side. Five years from now much of this will be nothing more than a bad memory and exponential growth.  And here at the bottom, deep in the valley trenches, the air is thick with smoke, the heat is nearly unbearable… and a shadowy figure approaches through the black.

My Jesus.

Perhaps I would not see Him quite as clearly in the bright of day.  Feasting in abundance, far away from stress and grief, would I miss this opportunity to sit and seek Him simply?

If this is true – if I would not have this zealous want of Him and the fulfillment that comes when He finally answers… leave me in the valley.  Let me be drug around by my hair, let me take on every battle, every broken heart, and every single “NO” with the hope I am nearer my friend, Jesus. As much as I hate the rollercoaster, here I stay, locked in my seat, fully committed to the ride.

I am hardly brave, far from noble, there is nothing respectable in me… but this… a true love for the only one who can truly save me.

Hello, my Jesus.  It is good to see you friend. 

Even now He approaches, He knows of these great hurts, and while He did not create them, for some reason He has allowed them. I stand at the bottom and wait, knowing full well He will come.  And so in awe am I by what He has created for me, what He has delivered me from, I boldly step forward to pay praise…

“Cause I’m not who I was
When I took my first step
And I’m clinging to the promise You’re not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to…”

Closer ever to my Jesus, here among the parched ashes… I will follow Him to the ends of the earth singing brave songs followed by the victory chorus, “Hallelujah!  All glory to my friend, Jesus.”

[clickToTweet tweet=”Hello, my Jesus.  It is good to see you friend. ” quote=”Hello, my Jesus.  It is good to see you friend. “]

May your floors be sticky and your calling ordained.  Love Jami

When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God, you are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you. ~Isaiah 43:2-4

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Fellow blogger and friend Bobbie Schaeperkoetter has a family member who was in a terrible accident.  I am including the link for his go fund me page here.  Please consider helping this young man.  Thank you.  Love, Jami

 

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