Stuff I Wish You’d Quit Saying: “When are you due?”
Stuff I Wish You’d Quit Saying: “When are you due?”
Welcome! And Happy October to you! This is day ONE of a fun little challenge I entered, and I had the hardest time deciding what I could blog about 31 times. I prayed and studied and went through some old posts… and then it hit me. The snarkiest stuff in my life is born of stuff people say that makes me go…”WHAT?!?!!” So, I can’t promise it will be life-changing. Hopefully, you’ll laugh, please don’t cry. I have a few that will make you crazy mad or make you go… Oops, “I said that once, and I will never do it again!”
Let’s do this.
“When are you due?”
Let’s talk about pregnancy. We know how this happens, if you don’t please stop reading this and find yourself another blog, and we know how pregnancy resolves itself. These two subjects, which if they were not related to a baby, we wouldn’t discuss in mixed company, to an utter stranger, or acquaintance:
- Sex
- Something’s emerging from your nether regions.
So, I wouldn’t:
- Ask you when you last had sex.
- Ask you the last time you moved your bowels.
I could stop here, but I feel I truly must convey this point: It is never a good idea to ask a woman when she is “due.” We all love babies unless you were up all night with one, so the idea of new human life is exciting. It is thrilling enough to the expectant mother; SHE WILL TELL YOU. And if she’s not pregnant is it worth it to you to go down this rabbit trail of humiliating yourself and the not expecting mother? No. It is not.
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There is the blanket issue of body type. A woman’s body is a mystery. She can’t be completely cognitive of whether she’ll be a size six during one phase of the month or a size 22 at another. This phenomenon is hard enough, and frankly, none of your business. From this standpoint how would you feel if someone came up to you and said “Are you gassy? You look gassy?”
You would not like this. It would be embarrassing.
It is also embarrassing to just be called fat. If I came up to you and said “Wow. You look like you have put on 20, er… uh, 50 pounds. Whatcha’ been eatin’?” This would make you feel sad. So if you falsely accuse someone of :
- Having Sex.
- Needing to expel something from their nether regions.
You are in essence saying: “You look large enough that I have been lead to believe you:”
- Engaged in sex.
- Need to expel something from your nether regions.
- Are fat.
None of these things are appropriate to ask someone.
Now then, since I have your attention, let’s take this one step further and discuss the belly pat.
Just don’t. Keep your hands to yourself. Even if it is a baby in there, it is still the mother’s flesh. Would you walk up and start rubbing a woman’s boob and proceed to talk baby-talk to it? If the answer is yes, go to a different blog. I submit you would not go up to a woman start rubbing her boob and proceed to talk baby-talk to it. I am pro-life, I do believe if you are pregnant that there is a human life residing in your womb. You, Ms. belly-rubber, may speak and touch the child when it is expelled from the nether regions, until then NO TOUCHY. And might I reiterate that if you make the foolish mistake of rubbing a non-pregnant woman’s belly she could press criminal charges. The occupancy of her womb should in no way validate you to rub any part of her. Clear?
So, I am going to give you an easy formula for knowing when it is okay to ask a woman if she is pregnant or when she is due:
IF YOU ARE DELIVERING THE HEAD OF A CHILD EMERGING FROM THE MOTHER’S BODY IN AN EMERGENCY AT A PARK, BANK, MALL, WALMART, TARGET, ELEVATOR, ANY FRANCHISE RESTURANT, OR STARBUCKS.
It is safe to ask.
Now then, if you are still stumped, you need help I can’t give you. If you are wondering when I am going to tie this into an inspirational Jesus plug? Don’t think I won’t. He was a gentleman; except for that awkward spitting on that guy’s eyes. He listened to His mother and did as she asked. He was exponentially kind to that poor woman that had her period forever. This leads me to believe He was compassionate to the ebbs and flows of a woman’s cycle and was understanding of the changes her body goes through at any given time of the month. He never asked inappropriate questions, and I am confident He was not a belly patter. And, I even found a scripture to go along with this particular topic:
“If only you would be altogether silent! For you, that would be wisdom.” Job 13:5
May your floors be sticky and your calling ordained! See you tomorrow! Jami
YOU JUST MUST CHECK OUT: Three Things Every Christian Must Stop Saying!
You’re my test market! It wasn’t supposed to go up until tomorrow! Glad you giggled. Love you and your life giving soul! Jami
Hi! You are officially my new best friend! I’ve been awake for 23 1/2 hrs and I stumble upon your blog! You are a smart, funny, deliciously sarcastic and God loving woman! I’ve been reading blog posts for the last 2 hrs and I’ve laughed, cried, been convicted and prayed! Thank you! You rock!!
Hey Marty – I can’t sleep either. I think u r terrific. We are going to regret this in the morning. #nosleep ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
This is the best thing I’ve read..Thanks for the great laugh, and the advice 🙂
You’re welcome. And thank you!
Super funny! I love the way you take this on.:) It’s easy to come across sounding hurt and offended when writing these posts, but you do it brilliantly, you just sound upfront, confident and hilarious!!:)
Thanks Colleen!
As a midwife, the other reason I hate that question is because there’s no such thing as a due date! None! It’s completely false advertising, and the concept of a baby being “due” on a certain artificially chosen day is just a set up to make expectant mamas cry when their little ones fail to heed the (somewhat) randomly preset eviction notice. They have a whole three week window during which it is best and most likely they will be celebrating a new birthday. Instead of asking when she’s due, how about we just ask if she’d like a cup of tea? She probably needs to hydrate anyway.
Yes! Thank you!
IF someone tells me she is pregnant, THEN I will ask the obvious next question: “Congratulations! When is the baby due?” Otherwise, I assume she doesn’t want me to notice. And yes, there have been times when I’ve wondered if someone was pregnant, and she turned out not to be, so I’ve been VERY glad I didn’t ask.
Ouch. Just said this yesterday to a teller at the bank. For the record, I resisted the urge to say, “Honey, you probably won’t make it to December.” (She’s very petite and almost carrying him between her knees now.) I promise to bite my tongue earlier the next time!
That is a great article!! Thanks for sharing. Looking forward to the next 30 days!!
Me too!
This is funny but sad too! I’m so sorry people have asked this. It’s good you’re making light of it and bringing it to the light 🙂
I find this sad…but funny and I get what you are saying. I totally agree there could be nothing worse than asking someone that isn’t pregnant when they are due. However, I see pregnancy as such a miracle and want to show my excitement when I see an obvious glowing mother-to-be. What else do you say? Having infertility and one miracle pregnancy, I loved people acknowledging and sharing in the gift of it.
[…] that you have the hall pass lets talk about why. If you’ll recall on Day 1 of Stuff to Stop Saying we talked about how personal it is to ask some questions. We naturally assume that young couples […]
Oh. Lanta. That’s the stuff nightmares are made of?!?!? Welcome. ❤️
My inner demons want to respond to those who ask”when are you due”- I’m 60 years old. I’m fat,not pregnant. Of course the southern lady part of me just smiles and responds,” no hun, you’ve got me confused with a really pregnant person.” Wink,smile.
Oh my stars!!!! I totally walked into church this morning feeling great!! Hair done! Makeup (eye liner was perfect) done! We all matched and every child was wearing shoes…toddler issues! What was I met with in the forever long bathroom line?? “Oh my, honey!! You are soooo about to pop!! When are you due?!?” I simply said, “8 weeks” and closed my eyes!! Yes, I know my belly is about to drag the ground. My 5’2″ frame doesn’t do these huge babies we seem to create! But seriously!!! Come on people! I walked into the bathroom and cried! Wiped my face. And found my husband, who without question took me home!! Thankfully I was able to hear the service from the comfort of my pjs at the kitchen table! It all goes back to, “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all!”!! And talking about how HUGE someone is, is never ever nice!!
Oh my word. I did not know that verse existed! I’m guessing I’ve read it but *in context* didn’t realize the hilarity of it out of context. I googled it to see if it was really a verse (I’m new here–I don’t know you well) 🙂 Loving reading some of your past blog posts today!
Thanks Karissa!
[…] might also like: “When are you due?” and Inflatable Swimming Pool Births and my favorite! An Open Letter to Mothers of Just One: […]