Litanies, Rituals, and Hocus Pocus for Housewives and Harlots
Never mess with a vandal’s ritual. It was late when I tucked the vandals, our 3 and 5-year-old sons into bed and kissed them on semi-sticky cheeks, I had a rush of guilt. I should have bathed them. Instead, I had used an entire container of diaper wipes on their crusty little bodies before putting…
Sleepless in Texas: Excuse me while I Ignore You, Common Sense, and Jesus
I am living a sleepless existence. I am still all out of whack from daylight savings time. The entire concept is not from Jesus. Messing with time, which is from the Lord who created it, is blasphemy. On the seventh day He rested. He didn’t rest, except in the spring when He rested less, or…
Ask and You Shall Receive: Reversing the Curse of Hardly, Barely, and Half Empty Religiosity
Y’all, the shipment on my porch, I’m dying; the Amazon god of home delivery stopped by while I was out. I cried for a minute and then I was crying from laughing. My sister warned me, “Are you crazy? Do you have any idea how much children love to push buttons???” But it was such…
Save This Date… Count it Among Your Best
My son recently left for Marine Bootcamp. Through blurry eyes, I tried to focus on the stunning save the date cards that had just arrived in the mail. Our oldest daughter had a list of things to discuss. My heart and head were divided between belief and unbelief. Honestly, the package and discussion were a…
God is most careful with you…
God is most careful with you… I can’t stand it. Years wasted… bemoaning… I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t adored. I could never measure up to what was expected. You can’t talk me out of it… I won’t succumb to the lie, “You must work harder to please Him.” I want what He wants. I want…
How to Raise a Loser: A Step by Step Action Plan for Parents
In the midst of being a mom of seven, the revelations are exhausting, parents heed the warning. At 3:30 a.m. I received a text from a college-baby. Actually, four texts, one I may have slept through. College-Baby: I slipped and fell at work and landed on my butt. College-Baby: I can’t sleep it hurts so…
The D-Word Saved My Marriage: What Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie Missed that Could Save Yours
Gnawing off your foot to save yourself is sometimes the answer, I guess. If Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie can’t do it, whose marriage is safe? They have a nanny! And we good Christian girls should have perfect marriages, tiny waists, and never… ever say the D-word. Divorce. Ha. I said it. And no, I…
YO! Moms of JUST One: the #1 Solution to your Biggest Problem
I have seven. As a mother of seven, I want to know why when a mom of many says to you, “Oh, you JUST have one?” you don’t PUNCH HER IN THE THROAT??? [Tweet ““Oh, you JUST have one?” #onlychild”] Can I just say? This is this most insulting comment one mother can say to…
Why the General Public Hates Christians, Yoda Breaks His Silence: “Fiction was Star Wars. Happen It Did Not.”
A long ago time in a galaxy far, far from here… God went to the movies. He knew the ending, so He decided other forms of entertainment like babies and platypuses would suit Him better. And I agree with Him. I have never seen The Titanic. Why would I pay $8.00 for popcorn when I…
The Origins of Buffalo Boys, Vandals, Man Babies, Homing Pigeons, and Eagles
The buffalo boy smell is very distinct. Sunshine and sweat, with a hint of fresh cut grass and a little musty dirt and you, have a spicy, pungent smell only a mother could love, err… tolerate. It knows one discretion. Pixie’s get a sunshine smell, vandals get the buffalo boy smell. Our two adopted sons,…